Evening inspiration

Oscars! Part CINQ

We now interrupt my normally snarky commentary for...Natalie Portman.

::sigh of relief:: She's obviously at her biggest yet and yet...she looks teeeeeny tiny. The color is a homerun. Those earrings. I really think this was the best cut choice they could've picked. I'm so happy I liked it. Boring response, I just think I'm feeling very zen about it all.

I really feel like I'm either missing a bunch of people or we actually didn't see a lot of people. I think these tacos are hitting me and I'm getting sleepy?

PS- pleaseee don't be mad at me but I decided not to live blog during the actual show. The Oscars are really long and generally pretty boring so I'm just going to do one big recap at the end and sit back and enjoy myself.

This is a really anticlimactic ending, I'm not sure what to do about this. Hm. Wanna comment and we can get like a little commentary going that way?

ITS STARTING. GOODBYEE.

Oscars! Part CAT

For anyone who is interested I just ate 2 tacos in 35 seconds and then forgot I ate it and wondered when I was going to have time to eat then noticed the salsa sitting on my chest and remember I had already eaten. That was bizarre aaaand moving on.

Sandraaaa. :( Looks kinda old and the kinda like sad or something? And the dress isn't the best. But um shall we move on?

Penelope Cruz is breast feeding. Shall we say more? I think that was when I forgot I was eating tacos.

And I now officially see the full monstrosity that is Nicole Kidman's dress. Sooo it's horrible? it doesn't fit? It has giant swirls on her hips? La la la la laaa worst dressed of the night la la la laaa.

Silver is obvi the color of the night. I'm ok with that?

HELLO MARK WALBERG'S WIFE. I honestly love this and for some reason I really am inspired by the colors and would love to use this as like an inspiration board for living room color schemes.

Gwyneth: it's so her and its soooo beautiful and I love the broach. Really, I know everyone hates on her and hates on me for loving her but I say suuuuupurb girlfriend.

Anne Hathaway. So I'm going to tone it down tonight with how much I hate her so I don't lose readers and get threatening text messages but I'm just going to say it once- can't stand her. BUT she looks beautiful, she looks like a host and looks really pretty.

Besties thus far:
Jennifer Lawrence
Cate Blanchett
Celine Dion
Hailee Steinfeld
Gwyneth Paltrow

Worsties:
Melissa Leo
Nicole Kidman
Julianna Rancic
Marissa Tomei

Oscars! Part TROIS

Marissa Tomei, I love her so I won't publican berate her but...she'll absolutely be on all the worst dressed lists.

Hilary Swank. I probably should love this dress because it combines the 2 things I love more than anything in the world: glitter and feathers but um. Lame. I just picture her as a man and I can't handle when she gets dressed up. I also hate the hair. I love the dress just please, not on her androgynous self.

Helena Bodham Carter- same ole same and I love her for it. (Colin Firth looks hot and Geoffery Rush looks like a madman- quick who gets the reference?)

Nicole Kidman sighting. Can't tell yet but I think I don't like it. However, Keith Urban I can eat with a spoon and a cherry on top.

Queen Helen Miren: Love the hair, it ages her but she looks flawless as always.

YOU GUYS I hate to say this....CELINE DION. Ummmm surprise best look of the night? Is anyone completely speechless over how good she looks and how beautiful her dress is?

HALLE BERRY SIGHTING. Ohhhhhhhh ohhhhhhh ohhhhh my oh. I think I might be speechless? I absolutely love that color on her, the tulle, the hair, the cut. And can I say something weird? You know how she's in that race fight with her ex? I think she looks especially dark tonight- like sometimes she totally looks very light and tonight she doesn't and I just wanted to throw it out there.

REEEEESE OMG YOU GUYS. REESE. Ohhh her hair. I just freaked out. They just showed her in a car. More to come of me hyperventilating.

Ok I see the whole thing now. Reese: My immediate feelings are: Julia Roberts dress from the oscars years ago combined with her playboy bunny costume from Legally Blonde. Don't you totally agree? I love it and I love her hair. Kinda plain but the hair is puuuurfection. I want to squeeze her little cheeks.

Sidenote/correction: I just saw a still picture full body shot of Amy Adams and it's absoultely stunning. STUNNING. Lose the necklace baby but you get it girl. Gooooo Muskies.

Oscars! Part DEUX

Amy Adams. Hm. I ummm don't know how I feel. She definitely looks beautiful and the makeup is really really beautiful and I love the color. I have never loved necklaces with necklines like that sooo minus points but I think I do like it.

Let's take this commercial break to discuss Kelly Osborne. I love it. I love the bride of Frankenstein hair, it totally works on her. I'm digggggging the lips. And love love love the dress. She got a little pudgy for the grammys and I'm happy to see girlfriend got to the gym and got her hot back.

Speaking of the gym, can you hear the hard crunching of the chips and guac I'm literally stuffing into my mouth as we speak? It sounds like angels crying.

OOoo hello patricia arquette look-a-like aka Mark Ruffalo's wife. That is sooo interesting and weird and structured eye candy.

Uh oh- J-Huds. Oh no no no no no no no. Let's make up a term for when people look like they're wearing Jessica McClintock. We'll now refer to it as the McC scale. Jennifer Hudson is at about an 8 on the McC scale. Fine she looks skinny but- floppy boobs need to be tucked in and saved for her husband in private.

oh oh ohhhh ohhhhhhh ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Cate Blanchett. GIRL JUST STEPPED THIS SHIT UP. Avant garde-amazing hair-those colors-that cut. Her face and hair have never looked better. Best freaking dressed in my book so far, call me crazy. It's weird I know but its just perfect.

Ohhh helllo scarjo. I actually don't even love love the dress, like the front of it is weird but that back and HER.HAIR. HER.MAKEUP. ahhhhhhhh I just licked the tv screen. Lying...but I did totally slam 2 chips into my mouth and started jumping up and down. Holy crap i mean...holy crap.

Taco break.

Oscars! Part ONE

Jennifer Lawrence of Winter’s Bone is the first interview of the night. 1 word. Perfection. Ok I see her body, perfect side boob. Calvin Klien does the body good. She looks like a skinny/serious version of Jennifer Coolidge. Can you seee that? The girls I’m with think she looks like Stephanie Pratt (pre meth)

JULIANNA RANIC SHOULD BE REMOVED FROM TELEVSION. I’m sick of the over tanned alien face. put that skeletor frame in a floral print giant dress with a 15 foot train a la Jessica McClintock.

Note for Natalie Portman: Birth control before awards season for the love of god! Like this is the most important few weeks of your life You should have planned accordingly.

Cheryl Hines- amazing material, amazing cut. Great makeup. What movie was she in? Why is she there.

6:08 HAILEE STEINFELD SIGHTING. Just throwing it out there- I was the most excited for her appearance tonight. You guys- she’s the bell of the ball. Tea length, hair pulled back with a headband. She takes every cue on how to be an A-lister when you’re 13. YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. Obviously best dressed so far even though we’ve seen 4 people. Jennifer Lawrence is second best.

Goal for my life: look good in a calvin klein dress ala Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Stone at Golden Globes oo ooo or Claire Danes remember that one?

Melissa Leo. Ok I’m throwing it out there….I’m sick of her- she’s awkward and she was amazing in The Fighter but…I’m over it. Bad bad bad dress and I hate to say it but I think her career is kinda gonna downfall from here. Does anyone else feel that way?

Oh my god. I just saw Michelle Williams in the back of a car. Got chills.

Oh my god Ryan is interviewing Hailee. I can’t I can’t I can’t type fast enough. It’s just so perfect. She’s poised without being too Dakota Fanning-ish. Her makeup is perfect and perfect and perfect. The beading on her dress is unreal, the cut is peferct. The color is perfect. How many times do you think I can say perfect.

Michelle Williams. Ok she looks like royalty. But she can’t walk. You’re supposed to practice these things. Aaaaamazing cut, oooo ooo I really like it.

Mila Kunis sighting. FAVSIES alert. I want to put my hands on her boobies. Just a gentle little touch because um, they look amazing? The dress is so interesting and unique and the color is different and it totally works. She’s great at wearing clothes that are flattering but she’s also comfortable in. I think if I was an A list celebrity I’d do the same thing. And I’d look like Mila and we’d be best friends.

Mandy Moore- I can’t even look at her in the face and I don’t want to waste blog time talking about her. Librarian in sparkles.

Before I say goodbye for this round of live blogging I’d like to paint a little picture for you. I’m so tired and hot and not really into blogging but trying to be that I’m basically resorting to anything to make me awake/funny/into this. Soooo this means I am sitting on the couch… in my bra…downing a white wine spritzer and taking sporadic breaks to run around in circles to get my adrenaline pumping. I feel like a trashy, technologically saavy grandmother?

Ok, as I was posting this Michelle Williams was being interviewed by Ryan. Did I just witness a trainwreck?? Lip injections? Is she hopped up on xanax? Just nervous and having an allergic reaction to the shellfish she ate for lunch? Ohhhh maaa god that was so painful.

It's kind of a funny story...

On Sunday morning I woke up in a (very rare) surge of productivity. Hello sun! Hello morning! I love you! Feeling inspired, I threw on gym clothes, downed a bowl of Rice Krispies and ran out the door to catch an early morning spin class. Normal Weekend Lara doesn't leave her bed until late brunch time so Productive Weekend Lara didn't take into consideration the incredibly adjusted weekend schedule of the L train.

The stupid train put me 15 minutes behind schedule and by the time it pulled into the 8th ave station I had 3 minutes until the class started. So naturally I pushed an elderly man, a pregnant woman and 2 kids out of my way and began sprinting to the exit.

Side note for non-New Yorkers: the 8th ave station is the last stop for the L train. Subway cars kind of sit there empty for a few minutes before beginning to circle back around.

SO...I'm running.... in my big black puffy coat.... sprinting. Then in slow motion I see my iphone fly out of my coat pocket and smack into the side of the idle subway car. Midair- I see my beautiful glitter case separate from the phone and fly in 2 different directions- for a split second it was like glittery fireworks exploding off the side of the subway before climatically dropping down into the gap between the subway car and the platform. My phone was GONE into the dark, smelly, wet subway track abyss.

It's just me and one other guy who see it happen and we both drop down to a semi-squat with our hands out to the sides in slow motion collectively screaming "NOOOOO." We looked at each other horrified:

Me: "what do I do??"
Him: "what do you do??"
Me: "ohmygodohmygodohmygod WHAT DO I DO!!!!!"
Him: "what kind of a phone was it?"
Me "iPhone"
Him: "oh man you're so screwed"

For 5 minutes I ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off looking for an MTA employee. One person told me to talk to another person who told me to talk to another person- finally I was told that the "track team" would be dispatched shortly to do a search and recovery for me.

In all of my screaming and oh my god-ing and running around in circles I quickly realized that I had no idea where on the tracks it actually dropped.

Shit.

So I start searching along the side of the parked subway car. There is a 1-foot gap between the platform and the subway car. Let me just tell you, deep down in that gap were dark, murky atrocities I just didn't want to see. Trash and melted snow and...rodents. Omg. So I start losing hope and start feeling like I'm going to lose my breakfast when there is a glimmer of hope. I see some glitter sparkling 10 feet ahead of me. Let's review what my ridiculous cell phone case looks like:

And like an angel sent from heaven, the glitter of my phone was glowing amidst the trash. No joke, I actually saw that giant gem from like 10 feet away. Then I laughed out loud at the ridiculousness of finding my cell phone because of freaking glitter.

So the track guy comes- he has to stop the train, climb onto the front of the train and onto the tracks- it's all very dramatic. I was holding out hope that my phone would be found near the glitter case because the pieces had separated from each other on the fall. Normally, a black iphone without the case would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack in that dark track abyss BUT....my phone wasn't black...it was blue!!

Behold. My cousin got me this totally awesome Skin-It sticker of my blog masthead that has been on my phone for a few months. Isn't it awesome? Do you want to know what's more awesome? The track dude found my phone in seconds because he saw the turquoise. 25 seconds after my knight in shining armor got on the tracks I had both pieces of my case and my iphone- completely dry, completely intact and completely crack free.

The point here, my dear friends, is that GLITTER ME THIS SAVED MY CELL PHONE.

Bam.