This actually happened

I start off most mornings in somewhat of a zombie trance: wake up, do some stuff, stumble out the door, buy coffee, chug coffee, make some TV. Repeat.

Yesterday started off like every other.

I woke up, did some stuff, did some stumbling, then proceeded to buy a very large (styrofoam) coffee from Dunkin Donuts. I only buy from DD when I don’t have any cash for the coffee man outside of my office building. This is an important fact because on these DD days, I’m forced to carry my coffee on the train. It is here where things became a problem.

I made my way onto the crowded L train, coffee in hand. (Fun fact for non-L train-morning-riders: sometimes the morning train is so crowded that you have to smash against people around you. There’s been times I’ve been so smashed that I haven’t been able to read my book because I couldn’t even lift up an arm.

Anyway…I made my way onto the crowded train. Magically, there was a seat available when I got on. I sat down and proceeded to zone out per the usual. 2 minutes into the ride, I got the brilliant idea to zip my bag that was on the ground in between my feet. Why is my bag open? My bag shouldn’t be open!

I put the (un-opened, very hot) coffee in between my legs about an inch north of my knees. With one hand on the coffee and one hand on the bag, I zipped. Ziiiip. I got to the end of the zip and then it happened...

As I went to readjust myself from leaning over, my legs tensed up and…THE COFFEE EXPLODED. By exploded I mean- my legs squeezed it so hard the styrofoam flexed and flung all 20 ounces of hot liquid into the air and onto about 8 people around me. I’m talking a volcanic explosion of epic proportions.

I screamed. Another women screamed. There was a giant splash sound as the entire 20 ounces hit the floor. Are you dying? I was dying.

I don’t even know how to end the story except to say: I thought I was straight up about to be stabbed. People have been stabbed on the train for much less. I was in a complete state of shock. People were turning their heads to see who had done it. People were wiping themselves off. I was shaking. The man in front of me was shooting daggers out of his eyes. The woman who had some on her shirt was actually about to attack. I kept feebly shouting out “I’m so sorry everyone!” “I’m so sorry!” I didn't even have a napkin to offer!

Ya… and the worst part is: there was a legit river on the ground where everyone was standing and it kept flowing back in forth as the train moved. I literally watched it reach the complete other side of the train. No one was spared. With one involuntary jerk of the legs, I covered an entire packed train of hipster L riders in my morning caffeine fix.

As I got off the train at the Union Square stop (don’t ask me why I didn’t get off earlier and move to a different car, I don’t know, I was paralyzed), I BOLTED off the train screaming I’M SORRRRY!!

Moral of the story: I took the bus this morning.